My partner Dara is a runner and exercise is a big part of both of our lives. We talk a lot about how amazing elite athletes are and the dedication and discipline it takes. It makes me feel like I’m falling short in comparison… until I remember that I’m not an athlete!
I feel this with everything I do - I compare myself to the highest standard, which is obviously ridiculous when it’s an area I am a hobbyist in. I can’t even listen to songs I’ve released because all I do is find stuff to criticise. I struggle to ever feel like I’m good enough and, frankly, it’s exhausting. I’m sure all you other perfectionists can relate.
I started blogging again last year. The blog was titled The Perfect Blog and was about not being hung up on perfection. The irony is that I wrote this blog right after going through my past blogs and deleting any that “weren’t good enough”. I feel like perfectionism is a constant struggle for me and something that will never be changed overnight, but I wanted to share some things that really help me with this.
I live a very introverted life but I regularly meet my friend and bandmate Mishkin for work-related activities. We joke that every conversation leads back to “we’re amazing” but really, I think this is how all friendships should be. It’s so healthy to have friends who build you up and tell you you’re great and highlight all the good work you’re doing. I have a lot of very nasty voices in my head so this creates a really great balance for me. In fact, every time I meet other people I am able to come out of myself and gain a bit of perspective about my place in the world.
I have now assigned names to the critical voices in my head. My nickname that my friends call me is Peeps so I now have a couple of alter egos: Meeps and Greeps. Meeps is the voice of judgement that tells me I’m not good enough and Greeps is the equally loud nihilistic voice inside me that says nothing matters anyway. I also have a row of seats containing thirteen trolls - I now visualise this popping up kind of like a cardboard dolls' house. This helps me to mentally fold it back down when it appears. Assigning characters to all these voices helps me to remember that the things they say are not real.
I feel like for years I was as critical of myself as possible as a kind of perverse way to prepare myself for anything anyone else might say. It’s only recently that I realised that this kind of self talk only weakens me. I feel like a lot of perfectionists maybe struggle with the same kind of damaging thoughts that tell you other people are judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. If you’re a perfectionist and reading this I would love to know! It’s taken me so many years to even start to stop worrying about what other people think but I wish I could have told my younger self these things:
“Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” (- Dr Seuss)
“Most people love you and want the best for you.”
“I’m not here to defend myself against haters - I’m here to reach the people who want to be reached.”
A really huge thing for me is getting out in nature. I am lucky enough to live in a small town in East Sussex that has woods within walking distance, and Dara and I do long walks daily in the Summer. However my favourite place to go is Ashdown Forest which is a short drive away. There’s something for me about rolling horizons and a huge open landscape that provides an almost spiritual experience and makes me feel small, in a really good way. It reminds me that nothing is that important in the scheme of things.
The last thing I wanted to add to this list is being kind to my past self. I’m constantly striving to level up but recently I caught the perfectionist voices in my head as they put down the less evolved version of me. “I was such a loser.” “What did anyone see in me?” “I was so embarrassing.” I’ve been working out a lot recently and the voices in my head were even trying to convince me I was really out of shape up until this point! (In fact, I have so much to say about perfectionism relating to body dysmorphia and disordered eating that I will be writing another blog about this!) So now whenever I look back I remind myself I’ve always been loveable, I’ve always done my best with the tools I had, and I’ve always been the person I am now. I feel like being kind to your past self directly feeds into being kind to your present self.
This blog was inspired when Mish and I recently started a podcast. (You can listen to it on Spotify or Apple). It’s scary to have our chats out there on the internet for everyone to hear and every time we finish one, I feel like we need to record it again, but better. Which is stupid because really, nothing is ever perfect.
Lastly, I wanted to share our latest release - a very rock'n'roll cover of Toxic by Britney Spears. I love Britney and I love the way she is so unashamedly herself. (Follow her Instagram and you will see what I mean 🤣) We wanted to use this cover as an opportunity to celebrate her and all the things she has overcome. We filmed this song a year ago and recorded it the year before that, so releasing this cover now is difficult for the perfectionist in me - listening to and looking at my (slightly) younger self. Which felt very relevant to this blog.
I hope you've enjoyed both this blog and our cover and please leave a comment if you relate to any of this!
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